so tired.

These past few days have been pretty difficult for devyn. He just cannot sleep! he has been going to bed at midnight or later and still wakes up early. No naps either. He actually did take a nap today but woke up because he had a night terror. I held him and he finally stopped screaming and crying and fell asleep on me.
He has been really rough with autumn lately too. Like really rough. Yesterday they were playing he he full on picked her up and threw her! Then later we were playing with his trains and he got so overwhelmed and just threw the whole train set.
Gosh, I am just so tired. His behaviors are getting really hard to deal with. Chris and I are supposed to take those classes..but now im thinking only one of us will be able to go or we will have to switch off because we dont have a sitter. Which makes me kind of sad because I want both of us to be there together and learning everything..I wish somebody would help us with that! ah.

well, well, well,...

i havent written since friday.woops.

Saturday- Devyn had his ASD playgroup! he had a blast. this was his second time going and everyone was excited to see him. i feel so welcomed there! makes me happy. the therapists there are so helpful! they did activities and devyn actually participated! they made little flags! SO CUTE! he actually sat down and colored on it and we decorated it together. ill have to post pictures later because i have them on my phone.
no meltdowns at all really. at first we had a little trouble because he saw the candy in the vending machines and he wouldnt walk away from them! he just stood in the corner. but with the help of the therapist we got him to join in on the fun. such an exhausting day though. it was SO HOT..and we were outside for most of the time. so we had a good time, and didnt try to jump in the lake this time! so thats a plus. haha. i took him by myself this time and chris stayed home with the baby. i thought devyn would be so tired and would pass out when we got home..but nope! haha. other than that we just did some shopping.

Sunday- we just lounged around all day and our friends came over to hang out for a bit. we watched some episodes of dead like me and the kids played. devyn actually knows his little friends name now and can recognize her and say her name. he was saying chlowee chlowee chlowee like the whole time. so cute. heh.

:D

I am getting motivated! yay!
I applied for some jobs today. Spruced up my cover letter, resume and reference page. They look pretty darn good! Gosh, I hope I get a call back about this one job specifically. Its in patient relations at a hospital. I REALLY need this. I need a confidence boost.

Anywho, devyn had double session today. He has been grumpy all day. They have really been pushing his feeding program. He got so upset that he was practically hyperventilating because he didn't want to even put the food to his mouth. His therapist tried spaghetti that I made him. I wish he would try to eat! :[ They are going to continue to try with him though. Besides his feeding outburst he did pretty good in session. Both kids are sleeping now.

Tomorrow he has his ASD playdate. Its his second playgroup. Hopefully he will be excited and might want to participate. I get so happy watching him interact with other kids. Its a good experience for him! :)

So, we filed our taxes last night. got back more than i thought. chris found out they weren't taking out federal so we thought we would owe. but we got money back. enough to pay off the car! so excited..no more car payment! YAY! one less thing to worry about every month!

both kids are taking naps right now so im free to do whatever. which isnt much..obviously. haha.
devyn has been doing so good eating his lunch lately. he pretty much eats his lunch every day now. and hes napping! well today at least. haha.

i better take a shower though before the kids wake up..which is soon im sure! its always nice to squeeze a shower in once in awhile! haha.

VENT..

Usually I dont post a blog early in the day like this..but this has been bugging me!
I have been off and on trying to find a job since Devyn was born. NO LUCK. I did stop for a while and continue after Autumn was born. I had three interviews..no luck. I get the impression that because I have been a stay at home mom and haven't worked in the workforce lately that nobody wants to hire me. I have even applied for retail jobs with no luck! I have a college degree, have been independent and worked full-time before I had kids. WHY WONT ANYBODY GIVE ME A CHANCE? I feel hopeless. I just want to feel like a person again. Dont get me wrong..I love being a mom. But, I just want to do something for me for a change! I like feeling productive. I wish I could focus on me for once. But, I'm beginning to think that will never happen.

Devyn's behaviors were pretty bad today. He had double session today. Whenever he has double session, his behaviors get a little bad. He had a lot of meltdowns during sessions. I sat in on both for a little bit of time. Autumn kept getting into all his stuff during his first session so we had to go out in the living room. It made me sad kind of thinking that in 2 months his services will most likely end and he will start preschool. I wonder how he will react with a change. No more therapy and starting preschool without me there. I hope he will do okay. He doesn't really like to participate in activities so I'm anxious about how he will react in that type of situation.
He has been pushing and hitting autumn all day! I think his jealousy is getting worse. He wont even let her play with her toys most of the time! They were supposed to open a program for him to play with autumn appropriately during therapy. But, they haven't really worked much with that program...even though I always mention it! Guess I'll have to mention it again.

Anyway, all I did today was clean and clean. AS USUAL. Gosh, it seems like thats all i ever do!!! Picked up the house and cleaned the kitchen....so tiring. I want to make some coffee right now but I probably wont be able to sleep if I do.

Anywho, here are some pictures I took of the kids today when we were just playing around..

Another uneventful day!

Chris took the day off so we could take devyn to his follow up appt at 4OCKids today. I thought it was a follow up with the developmental pediatrician but it was with a NP. She just went over the SEEPAC classes with her. She is one of the teachers I guess. She was telling me that we should have a private meeting with her before our sons IEP meeting. She wants to go over the whole IEP process with us and tell us things we need to know i guess. Devyn had a meltdown when they tried to check his blood pressure, weight, AND height. He was screaming bloody murder the WHOLE time. It was sad, afterwards he was like ALL DONE! poor guy. I dont think they got accurate stats though, he kept moving and he was jumping up and down on the scale. But according to their stats he was 38 1/4 inches and 37lbs. Pretty sure he is not 37 lbs. I'm going to double check both...if he will let me! haha.

Other than that, we just came back and ate lunch. Then we took a walk to the park and played in the leaves most of the time. D was playing with a few older kids. It was pretty cute. They were running all over the field, collecting leaves and putting them in a pile. Then they would jump in it and run around and chase each other. Its cute to watch him play with other kids. It was so funny. A little girl there was looking at my arms and said "where did you get that big stamp on your arm?"
I was cracking up!
oh kids!

I thought the kids would pass out when we got home from the park. but....NOPE!!!
They are asleep now though.

I dont know why I have never done this before, but I started to record all our finances in excel. Usually I just write everything down in this book I have. But, this is wayyy easier. Gosh, things have been SOOO tough since chris got that pay cut. His paychecks will be back to normal starting on the 28th of this month. But, friday is still going to be wayyyy low. NOT GOOD. We will literally have no money left after bills and food and what not. SUCKS.
I really wish I could work and contribute right now..but I cant. Sometimes it makes me feel like less of a person...I hope I can get out of this mindset. I dont like feeling like this. :(