i havent updated in awhile.
but i guess these past few weeks have been fairly busy. devyn has started all his assessments for pre-school. last week he had his hearing&vision screening, pre-academic and speech&language assessments. he didnt want to cooperate for the hearing and vision screening. he was crying and screaming the whole time. i think he was just getting freaked out because it was a very very tiny room..and i think he was deathly afraid of the guy trying to give him the test. oh, and they put headphones on him so that made him upset as well.
we are going to try one more time on wed to do that test, otherwise, we will have to take him somewhere else to have it done.
the other assessments went okay. he has two more this week. then next week he starts ot. then later this week we have his iep meeting, lab appointments.
next month - endo appt, d starts pre-school, and the kids' birthday!

gosh, i feel like im going nuts. i just want to stop and breathe. unfortunately, i cannot do that!

i have no idea what im going to do for the kids' birthdays. i want to have a party but then i dont. d has so many needs and he hates everything having to do with parties. besides the cake, OF COURSE. and its autumn's first birthday. i would feel bad if we dont do anything.
i dont know...blah!

i just want to go on vacation before i go insane. i do know that. haha

anyway, tonight we are going to a special autism event at pretend city. its this theme park type place that has everything pretend. hope d has fun. and its in the same city as us so im hoping d can make some friends! i just hope he doesnt have any meltdowns..ive reached my limit today! :(

EGGS!

DEVYN EATS EGGS NOW! only with toast..not by themselves. but still! so proud of him. he is soooooo picky. they opened up a feeding program in his therapy sessions. at first he wouldnt even put them to his mouth (they try to get him to put food to his mouth so he can tolerate it). Then he spit them out and didnt want anything to do with them. But, then we tried using a reinforcer. something he really likes to try to get him to eat the eggs. he actually ate all the eggs! you have to put them on toast though or else he wont eat them. better than nothing though! im so proud of him...yay..another source of protein! and the second time he tried them i didnt even have to use another food to get him to eat the eggs! he just ate them with the toast! lets just hope he keeps it up and doesnt forget that he likes eggs haha...

so tired.

These past few days have been pretty difficult for devyn. He just cannot sleep! he has been going to bed at midnight or later and still wakes up early. No naps either. He actually did take a nap today but woke up because he had a night terror. I held him and he finally stopped screaming and crying and fell asleep on me.
He has been really rough with autumn lately too. Like really rough. Yesterday they were playing he he full on picked her up and threw her! Then later we were playing with his trains and he got so overwhelmed and just threw the whole train set.
Gosh, I am just so tired. His behaviors are getting really hard to deal with. Chris and I are supposed to take those classes..but now im thinking only one of us will be able to go or we will have to switch off because we dont have a sitter. Which makes me kind of sad because I want both of us to be there together and learning everything..I wish somebody would help us with that! ah.

well, well, well,...

i havent written since friday.woops.

Saturday- Devyn had his ASD playgroup! he had a blast. this was his second time going and everyone was excited to see him. i feel so welcomed there! makes me happy. the therapists there are so helpful! they did activities and devyn actually participated! they made little flags! SO CUTE! he actually sat down and colored on it and we decorated it together. ill have to post pictures later because i have them on my phone.
no meltdowns at all really. at first we had a little trouble because he saw the candy in the vending machines and he wouldnt walk away from them! he just stood in the corner. but with the help of the therapist we got him to join in on the fun. such an exhausting day though. it was SO HOT..and we were outside for most of the time. so we had a good time, and didnt try to jump in the lake this time! so thats a plus. haha. i took him by myself this time and chris stayed home with the baby. i thought devyn would be so tired and would pass out when we got home..but nope! haha. other than that we just did some shopping.

Sunday- we just lounged around all day and our friends came over to hang out for a bit. we watched some episodes of dead like me and the kids played. devyn actually knows his little friends name now and can recognize her and say her name. he was saying chlowee chlowee chlowee like the whole time. so cute. heh.

:D

I am getting motivated! yay!
I applied for some jobs today. Spruced up my cover letter, resume and reference page. They look pretty darn good! Gosh, I hope I get a call back about this one job specifically. Its in patient relations at a hospital. I REALLY need this. I need a confidence boost.

Anywho, devyn had double session today. He has been grumpy all day. They have really been pushing his feeding program. He got so upset that he was practically hyperventilating because he didn't want to even put the food to his mouth. His therapist tried spaghetti that I made him. I wish he would try to eat! :[ They are going to continue to try with him though. Besides his feeding outburst he did pretty good in session. Both kids are sleeping now.

Tomorrow he has his ASD playdate. Its his second playgroup. Hopefully he will be excited and might want to participate. I get so happy watching him interact with other kids. Its a good experience for him! :)

So, we filed our taxes last night. got back more than i thought. chris found out they weren't taking out federal so we thought we would owe. but we got money back. enough to pay off the car! so excited..no more car payment! YAY! one less thing to worry about every month!

both kids are taking naps right now so im free to do whatever. which isnt much..obviously. haha.
devyn has been doing so good eating his lunch lately. he pretty much eats his lunch every day now. and hes napping! well today at least. haha.

i better take a shower though before the kids wake up..which is soon im sure! its always nice to squeeze a shower in once in awhile! haha.

VENT..

Usually I dont post a blog early in the day like this..but this has been bugging me!
I have been off and on trying to find a job since Devyn was born. NO LUCK. I did stop for a while and continue after Autumn was born. I had three interviews..no luck. I get the impression that because I have been a stay at home mom and haven't worked in the workforce lately that nobody wants to hire me. I have even applied for retail jobs with no luck! I have a college degree, have been independent and worked full-time before I had kids. WHY WONT ANYBODY GIVE ME A CHANCE? I feel hopeless. I just want to feel like a person again. Dont get me wrong..I love being a mom. But, I just want to do something for me for a change! I like feeling productive. I wish I could focus on me for once. But, I'm beginning to think that will never happen.

Devyn's behaviors were pretty bad today. He had double session today. Whenever he has double session, his behaviors get a little bad. He had a lot of meltdowns during sessions. I sat in on both for a little bit of time. Autumn kept getting into all his stuff during his first session so we had to go out in the living room. It made me sad kind of thinking that in 2 months his services will most likely end and he will start preschool. I wonder how he will react with a change. No more therapy and starting preschool without me there. I hope he will do okay. He doesn't really like to participate in activities so I'm anxious about how he will react in that type of situation.
He has been pushing and hitting autumn all day! I think his jealousy is getting worse. He wont even let her play with her toys most of the time! They were supposed to open a program for him to play with autumn appropriately during therapy. But, they haven't really worked much with that program...even though I always mention it! Guess I'll have to mention it again.

Anyway, all I did today was clean and clean. AS USUAL. Gosh, it seems like thats all i ever do!!! Picked up the house and cleaned the kitchen....so tiring. I want to make some coffee right now but I probably wont be able to sleep if I do.

Anywho, here are some pictures I took of the kids today when we were just playing around..

Another uneventful day!

Chris took the day off so we could take devyn to his follow up appt at 4OCKids today. I thought it was a follow up with the developmental pediatrician but it was with a NP. She just went over the SEEPAC classes with her. She is one of the teachers I guess. She was telling me that we should have a private meeting with her before our sons IEP meeting. She wants to go over the whole IEP process with us and tell us things we need to know i guess. Devyn had a meltdown when they tried to check his blood pressure, weight, AND height. He was screaming bloody murder the WHOLE time. It was sad, afterwards he was like ALL DONE! poor guy. I dont think they got accurate stats though, he kept moving and he was jumping up and down on the scale. But according to their stats he was 38 1/4 inches and 37lbs. Pretty sure he is not 37 lbs. I'm going to double check both...if he will let me! haha.

Other than that, we just came back and ate lunch. Then we took a walk to the park and played in the leaves most of the time. D was playing with a few older kids. It was pretty cute. They were running all over the field, collecting leaves and putting them in a pile. Then they would jump in it and run around and chase each other. Its cute to watch him play with other kids. It was so funny. A little girl there was looking at my arms and said "where did you get that big stamp on your arm?"
I was cracking up!
oh kids!

I thought the kids would pass out when we got home from the park. but....NOPE!!!
They are asleep now though.

I dont know why I have never done this before, but I started to record all our finances in excel. Usually I just write everything down in this book I have. But, this is wayyy easier. Gosh, things have been SOOO tough since chris got that pay cut. His paychecks will be back to normal starting on the 28th of this month. But, friday is still going to be wayyyy low. NOT GOOD. We will literally have no money left after bills and food and what not. SUCKS.
I really wish I could work and contribute right now..but I cant. Sometimes it makes me feel like less of a person...I hope I can get out of this mindset. I dont like feeling like this. :(

tireddd

so, last night when we got home from my aunts and uncles we decided to watch the walking dead. we watched about 4 or 5 episodes and didnt go to sleep till almost four. got up semi early...gosh, i am SOOOO TIRED. i should probably be sleeping right now.
anywho, today was a rather uneventful day.
we just lounged around the whole day for the most part. i was going to do some more laundry but i wasnt in the mood to walk all the way down to the laundry facilities.
my husband has the day off tomorrow. devyn has a follow-up appt with his developmental pediatrician. we will see how that goes. i have to remember to ask if we got approved to go to the SEEPAC classes. i hope we are because i think they will help us a lot. it has a 6 week course. one class a week. its a class for parents who have a child that was recently diagnosed with autism. should be interesting.
gosh, i would LOVE some coffee right about now!

HB

well today was a nice day.
we went over to my aunt and uncles house in Huntington Beach to do some laundry. we just hung out and ate dinner and watched some tv.
devyn and autumn love them and love going over. i appreciate the fact that somebody wants to see them at least. makes me feel happy even if its not my parents who want to see them.

devyn was okay the whole time pretty much. he had a small meltdown. but nothing big. he was eating like crazy. snacks of course. i almost got him to eat some meatloaf...but nope! of course not! haha. my aunt made cookies and devyn just ran around saying cookies? cookies? and was taking them off the counter. he is so funny.

they live like right around the corner from the beach. they made chris and i take a walk down there while they watched the kids. we werent gone very long but it was still nice to just sit there on the beach and relax a bit. we watched the sunset. here is a picture. :)

so tiredddd

Devyn ended up going to sleep around midnight last night and he didnt wake up till 1030! pretty crazy..i didnt really get to sleep in late because autumn woke up. but i did have a chance to feed her and clean and even make coffee and watch some king of queens before devyn woke up! it was nice!

during session today we tried to get d to eat some chicken and rice. he licked it a few times but it was pretty much a no go. autumn was trying to attack it though.

now devyn is sleeping again!!!! i thought for sure since he slept late that he wouldnt take a nap but guess i was wrong! maybe he is trying to catch up on sleep now since he hasnt taken a nap in a longgggg time.

but, it has been a pretty non eventful day yet again.
just cleaned as usual. the place looks spotless for the most part. i would still be cleaning now if autumn was asleep..and if i wasnt sooo tired.

im still having sleep issues. couldnt fall asleep again last night.
i need to get some kind of sleep aid i think. i feel soooo tired every single day!

anyway, im glad its friday! even though we probably wont be doing much. just laundry...maybe go over to my aunts and uncles house to do that so we dont have to waste money. haha. but other than that...we will probably just lounge around.

:D

today has been a rather boring day so far. tried to catch up on autumn's babybook and scrapbook today. cleaned a little bit. that was pretty much it.

our friends are coming over later tonight with their child. her and d are little friends. so cute to watch them play.
then afterwards, my friend and i are going to go out for coffee!
some me time!
yay!

:)

productive day!

im happy to say that im doing better today. im trying to put everything in the back of my mind though. which has helped me be less stressed today and im not worrying so much. ive just tried to keep myself busy all day. the kids have been more demanding as usual. well, i guess that is a semi lie because they are always pretty demanding. haha. but with them and cleaning non-stop..my day went by fast! man, i wish every single day was like this! i will try to keep this up.
non-stop cleaning every day for me! hah.

anywho, i sat in on devyn's session today. i try to sit in and bring autumn in there to watch his sessions and participate as much as i can. he had a relatively good session. he had a few short meltdowns and almost hit autumn a few times..but it was less than he usually does. i think his communication and understanding of things is getting a little better. i think he understands what sorry means. the other day he bumped my husband and said sorry :) it was pretty cute. i wish his therapy wouldnt end because i know its beneficial for him. he will be starting special education preschool in march though, so that will be good for him. if he gets into the class i want him to be, it will be individualized. but he will also have group time.

i finally got devyn's occupational therapy worked out today. it sure took long enough! he is able to go two times a week. but with everything going on right now and with having only one car, we decided to try just one day a week for an hour right now and then gradually do more hours a week. he loved it there when he had his evaluation. im hoping this will help with his sensory issues.

so take my hand...lets walk away.

so i decided to cut all ties with my family. my sister said one too many horrible things to me today.
apparently, im not ALLOWED to grieve over my sons diagnosis.
people are so fucking ignorant. pardon my french. but that was the last straw. i will no longer associate with disgusting human beings like that again.

ANYWHO,
we went to the doctor today for autumn. she weights 20 lbs 9 oz and she is 27 inches tall. she is in the 50% for her weight and 25% for her height. my little shorty girl! :D but she is doing good. i talked to their doctor about everything on my list. she was due for two vaccines today. hep b and the flu shot. i decided to definitely not get the flu shot and delay the hep b. i just dont feel comfortable with her getting any vaccines right now. im not saying i think they cause autism..i just dont know what to make of it right now and cannot make a decision as to when i want her to get them right then. the dr reassured me that the hep b isnt necessary right now. and she can get it when she is four or 5. so that made things easier and put my mind at ease. she is also going to get her thyroid levels checked again just to make sure there isnt a problem with her thyroid too.
as for devyn, we went over the gf/cf diet. she said to go ahead and try it and see what happens. so we will try out that diet probably next month. of course im not putting much hope in it. because there ISNT a cure for autism. but it doesnt hurt to try right?

these last few days have been an emotional roller coast. i cant believe i actually thought my family would be supportive. how stupid of me. this is the last time i will ever think about doing that again..
from now on all i NEED to focus on is MY family. everything else is secondary.

ill end on this interesting little article that i saw posted on a message board group im apart of...

BY MIDLIFE ARMY WIFE, ON JANUARY 3RD, 2011

Dear Struggling Mom,
I heard your child all over the store. As I visited different areas of the store in search for the things on my list, I could hear him stimming. Loudly. I recognized it immediately. My heart immediately went out to you even though I hadn’t seen you yet. I knew that grocery shopping was probably not on your list of fun things to do today, let alone with your child in tow.
As I approached the checkout lanes, I saw you. You weren’t hard to find. He was about 5 years old, sitting in the front seat of the buggy as your daughter (6 or 7?) stood next to it. I wondered how many people were judging you thinking that your child was misbehaving as he squirmed, kicked, and yelled from his place in the buggy. I know I once would have. Before I was a parent. Before I was a parent of a special needs child. I wondered how many people avoided getting in that lane behind you, but I just felt like I needed to choose that lane. I ended up behind you with one person in between us. My heart broke as I saw the tired, worn out look on your face. You had a buggy full of groceries, which meant you had been there a while. I have no doubt you were ready to get out of the store and on your way home.
I looked down and saw a small tennis shoe under the buggy of the lady in front of me. She had no kids. I looked forward at your son’s feet – yep! Missing a shoe. I picked it up and handed it to you, and you just smiled and said thanks.
I watched as you tenderly put the shoe back on his foot. Then, as you turned your back and he continued to kick, off it came again. Not wanting to interfere too much, I waited to see if you caught it. You did. Once again, you tenderly put it back on his feet.
As you were waiting to pay, he suddenly went into an outburst getting much louder, and hitting himself in the head with his fists. You so gently reached over and stroked his arms and spoke calmly to him. I had tears in my eyes as I watched how you cared for him with love. You didn’t grab him or yell at him or try to “make him behave”. You just comforted him and tried to make him feel safe.
I saw you paying with a WIC card, and your behavior it impressed me even more. I don’t know if you are married or a single mom, but obviously money is tight. Money issues, and dealing with a child with special needs can take a lot out of you. I don’t know how you felt on the inside, but on the outside, you were not taking it out on your kids.

I wanted to help. So badly, I wanted to help. I didn’t know what to do. You don’t know me, so it’s not like I could offer to take your kids for the afternoon. I couldn’t afford to buy that buggy full of groceries for you.
So, I used all I had. My words.
I didn’t know what to say. Everything I said in my head sounded silly.
I hoped you didn’t think I was interfering, but I had to say something, so I walked up and touched you on the shoulder and prayed for God to give me the words to speak as I said,


“Can I just tell you that you are doing an awesome job with your kids? I know it’s not the same, but I have a daughter with Asperger’s and I know it can be stressful. The way you speak to your children and the way you have been handling him shows how much you love him.”


With tears in your eyes, you replied with “Thank you, that means so much!”. We gave each other a knowing glance, and parted ways.
I wish I could have done more. But the tears in your eyes told me that I had done something.
I learned from you too. You reminded me how important it is to put our children’s needs first. Not to worry about what the other people in the store think. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that our kids know we love them unconditionally just as they are.

Hard day..

My son was diagnosed almost a month ago.Ever since then i have been finding it hard to fall asleep. i just sit in bed for hours and hours thinking about what i did wrong, if i should have done something or shouldn't have done something. i keep thinking to myself that i could have prevented this. i could have done things differently. but of course ill never know the answer to the question WHY? and that is what annoys me the most about this. i dont do good with unanswered questions. therefore, this particular question will haunt me until the day i day.

i got into an argument with my sister last night. which continued to this morning.
background: my whole family doesn't care about me or my kids and neither does my husbands family. i have only told a handful of people about devyn's autism. only because i don't feel the need to put him in front of everyone just to be judged.
so, i asked her for support. which is what family is supposed to be there for. all she did was yell at me and called me HORRIBLE names and said HORRIBLE things. here i am grieving for my son and his future and all i want is support from people who are supposed to care. is that too much to ask for? really? IS IT?

so apparently i am such a horrible person wanting support and grieving for my son. ridiculous. absolutely ridiculous. everybody needs support in their lives. and family is supposed to be there. family is supposed to care. it breaks my heart every single day that my kids aren't able to experience that with other family members. i guess that will be another question ill never know the answer to...

anyway, enough of the venting. i need to forget about them.
autumn has her 9m check up today (a month late)..
i have a list of questions and concerns to present to their pediatrician. ill update later tonight.